Changes!- Eliza Jane Schaeffer

Every one knows that anyone who is not white suffers from Disadvantaged Syndrome, a deadly disease that only the government can cure. The only problem is that sometimes people are part white and part ethnic. This leaves us confused as to whether or not they have Disadvantaged Syndrome! Usually, when unsure, we assume they are- better safe than sorry, right? But we need a sure method to determine the degree to which someone suffers from this deadly disease. That's why I propose we do a blood test on every baby born. Then, we will mark their descendants' races by percentage on a tag attached to their earlobe. For every 1% of non-Caucasian blood in their veins, they will receive ten dollars monthly from the government. If they have more than 15% non-Caucasian blood, they will qualify for affirmative action. 

I am absolutely positive this program will solve the race problem in the United States. Some may argue the issue is culture, not blood. What an awful and racist suggestion! Accusing people of ethnic descent of having a different culture and different ways of interacting with authority is simply disgusting. It's not their fault that the blood in their body is contaminated with Disadvantaged Syndrome. Some may also argue that the issue is socioeconomic class and not race. Preposterous! Even the billionaire ethnic citizens had to struggle through extreme oppression. Their families might have had plenty of money, but because of their blood, they are prone to Disadvantaged Syndrome, and they too need help. With enough money and special status, we can cure these poor suffering souls. Opponents accuse us of "crippling" those of ethnic descent and making them "dependent on outside help." But so what? As long as we are there to hold their hand, it won't matter whether or not they're dependent!